They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
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Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
That took me a moment.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.