* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
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My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*