Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
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Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.