Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
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Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
favorite tropes as memes
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
TRAIN’S HERE
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.