There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
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My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Oh boy, $150,000!
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.