Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Beware of fowl play.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still