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Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.