911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
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On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Inside you there are two wolves
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
That took me a moment.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me trying to walk in a dream
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”