I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.