Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Woke up against my better judgment again
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it