They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart