The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .