DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
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The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me: