Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
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Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]