“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
This meal prepping shit easy
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.