Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
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[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Doctors texting each other.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.