me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
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girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
smh
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I can’t deal with men any longer
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.