My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
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It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages