I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
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Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“i miss shittin on people”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”