’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
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Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron