“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”