The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
You Might Also Like
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
There is no “we” in pizza
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes