If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?