Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I bet
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins