Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
You Might Also Like
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!