#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?