And now we wait
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*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.