Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
You Might Also Like
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Trumpy Cat
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”