DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
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Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Wasps: bees, but not helping
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Breaking news:
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards