I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
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[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?