[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
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Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
How animals would run if they were human
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.