publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
You Might Also Like
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
first you must answer his riddles
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.