I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
had to make it
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to