Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”