Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
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[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
They got Raph!
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Me when my alarm goes off
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day: