TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth