No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
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911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.