when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
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I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.