On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
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I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?