[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
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Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”