going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
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I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.