*pronounces injury like lingerie*
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[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.