[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
You Might Also Like
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught itās only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, itās badass!
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: āHoly shit that was amazing!ā
COMMENTATOR: āOoh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.ā
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We canāt wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my rĆ©sumĆ©.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could āhear the universeās energyā and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope sheās doing well
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering ātoo easyā under my breath at each one.
āKids today are patheticā is NOT a good take from the generation raising todayās kids. Itās like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: youāre expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Iām always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
the red hot silly peppers
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars š
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster thatās beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
If Iām grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kidās Halloween photos. Iāll cherish them for ā¦*DELETE*
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called āPeople Donāt Bite Peopleā I was really hoping this wasnāt a story his teacher recommended for him
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.