me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
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Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
this has to be peak English
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.