8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
You Might Also Like
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.