Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
You Might Also Like
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.