Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
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My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.