I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
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I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Who knew!
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct