The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.