Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
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5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING